Here I sit... still infertile, still trying to lose weight ( I have lost 20 pounds, but it just isn't enough), and still trying to get our finances under control. We were so blessed to have our home loan modified and we were able to move back into our home in June. My kids are so happy to be back in their home! Brenden has settled in very well and is doing much better now that he is back in "his" environment.

I on the other hand am not doing as well... I am feeling so defeated by infertility, and it is killing me inside. I keep telling myself that it will happen, but I just don't know how long I can keep trying to be the eternal optimist. I am sick to my stomach from the darn metformin, but I keep taking it day after day, pill after pill in the hopes that I will actually begin to ovulate again. I can't trust my charts or the OPKs since those all appear to show that I am ovulating each month, but after ultrasound monitoring shows that there are no mature follicles how is it possible to the very next morning get a positive OPK and then see a temp shift... THERE WAS NO FLIPPEN FOLLICLE to ovulate from, so then I get my hopes up thinking, maybe, just maybe my world renouned RE was wrong (no such luck...) and I spend the next 2 weeks reading into every little twinge and possible sign of pregnancy only to have my hopes dashed again... not that I souldn't have been prepared for it, after all... THERE WAS NO FLIPPEN FOLLICLE!!!!! UGH, I just want to pull my hair out....... So, for now I have decided to put all of my energy in to losing more weight and rebuilding my self esteem. I have to stop temping, stop buying OPKs that clearly don't work with my body, stop taking pregnancy tests that aren't going to be positive, face reality and get on with my life! Maybe I will be blessed with a job this school year, one that has good health insurance with some infertility coverage so that we can move on to the injectables or IVF that we need in order to have our beautiful baby!

Tonight I sit here facing all of my realities.... infertility, obesity, depression, our financial struggles, my dear sons recent diagnosis with Asbergers (mild autism) and my tough relationship with my darling daughter.

I am coming to terms with my infertility... I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I began taking medication in January, and by March my levels seem to be under control! I was diagnosed with PCOS 4-1-09, thinking it was a sick April Fools joke... no joke, I hae PCOS. I will be speaking with my OB when I start my period this month, and we will be starting Metformin to help get the PCOS under control as well. I have to have faith that we will be holding our baby in our arms someday, and we will see Dr. S for fertility treatments (IVF) if we are not pregnant by the end of the 2009. We had talked about doing IVF in the summer, but the truth is I want to take time to lose weight, get the PCOS under control and have more time with my thyroid under control.
Obsesity is a new word in my vocabulary. It isn't a new state for my body, but it is a word that I have never allowed myself to use when talking about my weight. I have said I am fat, I am over weight, I need to lose some weight, etc... but never have I said I am obese. It has been a wake up call for me. I weigh more right now at this moment than I did when I delivered the twins at 38 weeks. I am at my all time heaviest weight, and it is killing me. Not only is it killing me physically, but it is killing me emotionally and mentally as well. I have to take the time to embrace myself again, I deserve to be treated better by myself. I need to take my health more seriously so that I can set a better example for my children.
Depression... wow, to say it aloud... I have been quietly battling depression for over a year now, and if I really think about it, it is been closer to 2 years. Not getting pregnant right away has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced. I have gained so much weight over the past 2 years... I have gained 57 pounds. The longer it takes to get pregnant, the more I eat to put the feeling out of my mind, the more weight I gain, and the deeper into depression I go.
Losing my job a year ago was such a hard blow... to go from New Teacher of the Year, to laid off in a matter of 3 weeks killed me. We packed our home having been told by Countrywide that there was nothing they would do to help us, they told us to move from the property and let them know when we were out so they could start forclouser. It killed Dave and I... He felt like he had failed his family, I felt like it was all my fault... now I know that the state budget cuts are in no way my fault, and I accept that now. We are now being told by our new mortgage company (Countrywide sold the loan to a new company) that we qualify for the Presidents loan modification, and it looks like we will be able to move back into our home. I don't want to uproot the kids again in the middle of a school year, so we will begin moving things back slowly and then as soon as they are finished with the school year we will go back to our home. I can only hope that things will turn around enough in CA that I will be able to find a job teaching again soon.
Brenden and Mykenna have been faced with so much this past year... leaving the only home they have ever known, leaving their friends and our family behind. And it seems that it was all too much for them to handle. Mykenna and I have been struggling with our relationship. I love my baby girl so very much, she turned 12 in February and we are just butting heads so much. I have to find a way to reach her and bring us closer together. I am so afraid that I am going to lose her to peer pressure because we can't come together. Brenden was diagnosed with Asbergers this year and it has been a rough road to travel. Dave doesn't undertand it, and it having a really hard time when Brenden has an outburst. I am trying to hold it all together for everyone, all while trying to hold myself together.

I have faith that God has not given me more than I can handle, and that with him by my side that we will come through this better off and where He has intended for us to be. It is time for me to stop trying to make my future what I want it to be and to start embracing the future that God has planned for me!

Wow... where has the time gone since I last posted here. My second GS journey resulted in the birth of 2 beautiful girls... Jan 22, 2007.

Dave and I decided to begin trying to have our 3rd baby in April 2007. I thought for sure that we would have had a baby by now. We finally become pregnant in September 2008, only to miscarry at 6 weeks in October 2008. Dave and I were both completly devestated. We then began taking clomid for my December 08 cycle... we again became pregnant and had a wonderful BFP on Christmas day. On January 5, 2009 I began bleeding again... my beta on Jan 2, 2009 had dropped to a 2. So it was clearly over. I took my second cycle of Clomid in Jan 09... and it appears that I didn't even ovulate. I spoke with an RE today and will be calling him on CD 1 to do my 3rd and final round of clomid. This is the RE that did my 2nd surrogacy... with the twins. He has offered to do my monitoring for free this month. It will mean a long drive for a very short appointment... but I believe in my heart that it will be completly worth it. This way I will know how many follicules I have, what size they are, and then if I do infact ovulate... He also says that If I don't respond to the clomid this month that we will be moving on to injectable's... so that is exciting to have a plan in place as well.

Well... I cheated.... I called a friend of mine and I will be having my first US 1-7-04... I know i should wait until Friday and have Dr. Smotrich's office do it for me, but I just can't help it. So less than 48 hours and we will know if S & D are going to be the proud parents of 1 or 2 beautiful babies!!! Morning sickness has found me, and it is horrible... I feel sick all day. On the bright side of things at least I am not throwing up... so I don't have the added stress of poor nutrition or dehydration on top of not feeling well. So to recap....
beta 1, 12-22-03, 10dp3dt... 55
beta 2, 12-26-03, 14dp3dt... 321

double rate is 37.7 hours

I can't wait to begin really showing so that all of the cute maternity clothes that I have bought already I can finally wear!!!